A Long and Contented Life
by Dorothy, NSW
Retired Teacher, Aged 70
Ian was born in a village in Scotland in 1927 and was brought up by his grandparents. As a boy he had TB, developed asthma and suffered from bronchitis as a young adult. He migrated to Australia in 1951, married and adopted 2 children. When we met in 1977 our children were all teenagers and we were both divorced. We retired to a rural setting and planted native trees to encourage native birds to the garden. Soon afterwards we learnt he had indolent cancer of the bone marrow which became active in 1996.
By the time he died we had shared 25 years of travel, bird watching, involvement in the local museum and many other common interests. Progessively he became more dependent and needed more treatment, infusions, transfusions, chemotherapy etc.
A year before he died he went to a Funeral Director and enquired about alternatives such as a cardboard coffin or a shroud. He then wrote a statement of what he wanted when he died and had it witnessed to remove any doubt.
I have had myeloma for several years now and as it is an incurable disease. I have made arrangements with a funeral director and paid for disposal of what is left of me. As I cannot be buried in a garden or forest where I would do some good, cremation has been opted for with the cheapest possible coffin. Even then as a carpenter I object to the waste of good particle board not to mention the pollution!
There will be NO funeral service, neither Dorothy nor I being religious. Upon my death Dorothy will contact the funeral parlour and they will take it from there. No flowers, no tears, but do please plant a tree, if you think well of me. If not still plant one anyway.
Afterwards there is going to be a "wake". Sufficient funds are available to give all my friends and relations food and drink. ! have had a good and happy life and would like you all to give me a good and happy send-off. There will be a piper to play me home. I request three tunes in particular "My Home", "The bonnie Lass o Fyvie" and perhaps "Loch Rannoch".
The last part of my life here in the Shoalhaven has been especially enjoyable and rewarding and I feel I have been able to leave a small part of this planet slightly better than I found it. Can anyone ask for more?" The last week
Fri: the doctor said get Ian's blood test before our visit to her. Tiredness is not due to pain-killer, more likely the Myeloma causing big reduction in oxygen, no improvement from transfusion. This could be terminal stage of illness. He has already lived more than two years longer than the average Myeloma sufferer in spite of his lungs but he is not typical. I think this is helped by a good diet & lack of stress.Mostly now Ian stays in his pyjamas. When we have visitors he is not talking much, sleeping most of the time, also not doing much of jigsaws, not reading much at all, only watching a bit of TV.
Sun: Ian walking from lounge room to toilet with Rollator, luckily I met him near hall, as he became very wobbly, I was able to support him & get him to toilet, will ring someone for wheelchair. My aching back.
Mon: Ian slept in until nearly 7am, I got up to see if he was still alive, gave him dressing gown & took him to lounge room on commode chair, he did Nebuliser, fell asleep already. He had not finished when girl came from Pathology to do blood test. The nurse from Palliative Care came soon after & assured us that Ian would be more comfortable in Karinya Palliatice Care Hospital. Ian agreed because of showering, toileting etc.
Wed: The Community Nurse brought a wheelchair & monitor. Hospital rang to say bed is available. Talked to Ian about it, when he woke about midday & he agreed, but I was still upset at not being able to look after him at home with the birds & his familiar surroundings etc. However, realistically
it is too risky if he falls. Ian agreed to go tomorrow after nurses take out his stitches.
Thurs: men came & took hospital bed as it was urgently needed & Ian said "I'll need it again when they get me back on my feet". I didn't think he would be home again as he is too ill for me to look after. The nurse took out Ian's stitches, [result of a fall], washed his hair (first time for 10 days),
showered him, shaved him, got him into clean pyjamas ready to go. He joked with her about his shrunken body. Julie said she talks to young High School boys about their developing bodies. Older men are concerned about shrinking bodies. I got him a drink as she left. Ian then tried to move to Rollator but fell & I had to get my neighbour who using all his strength, lifted him got him into the wheelchair & out to the car. He then had to lift him again & Ian had absolutely NO strength, could not stand alone. Ian said "We'll have to stop meeting like this." We got to hospital later than intended. His side was beginning to get painful.
I felt relieved that I no longer had the responsibility & that he was in better hands. Rang
hospital about 7.30pm, doctor had been & prescribed morphine as pain was getting severe. Spoke to him & he sounded drugged but talking sense. He had trouble hearing me. He said "See you in the morning darling."
Fri 7.30 am hospital rang, said he had deteriorated a lot in night so I went straight over but he had died without waking. They could not rouse him and he died soon after, peacefully. He had stopped breathing. It was a shock as I expected to get used to him being in hospital with good care for at least a few days but his body was completely stressed out. I spent some time with him but it was not satisfying as there was no reaction from him. If I had anticipated this I could have stayed over-night & been with him. It would not have helped him & I don't know if it would have helped me. I felt guilty that I had been glad he was in hospital. Community nurses came to the house & took what fitted in car, rang recollection of Oxygen Machine.
Sat: my daughter and granddaughter came down & we went through the things to be done, hiring chairs etc, catering, piper. After they left I found a poem from my granddaughter on my pillow which was so beautiful but I cannot look at it again. She will read it next Saturday.
Mon: rang solicitor & learnt that they need a Death Certificate before anything can be done & that will be a couple of weeks. People ringing. A friend from Scotland said he was very shocked as Ian had been joking when he had visited on Wednesday. Mail today brought sympathy cards which upset me again. It is much harder than I had expected. During afternoon my daughter rang rewording on the cards she is sending overseas & to Tasmania, talked for quite a while. A cousin also rang & my very first thought was "I'll tell Ian he called." and of course I can never tell him anything ever again. My neighbour brought the ashes from the crematorium, more letters & cards which I find upsetting although some are lovely. Other neighbours dug holes for the tree planting including a Brachychiton from them to replace one burnt in the bushfires.
Fri: chairs, cutlery, crockery etc, arrived, I went for hair cut. My daughter and granddaughter arrived early afternoon with drinks, a bunch of native flowers & various things, began to get organized for tomorrow. My daughter decorated the urn with tartan material & my kilt brooches & arranged the flowers with a painting of his birthplace and some photos of Ian.
Sat:The caterer arrived 10.30am & set to work. I got into good dress & began to greet people who were here in good time. Ian's grandchildren and their mother arrived in good time, brought plant in pot with card saying thank you for looking after Ian for many years. Everything went VERY WELL,
even though it poured with rain as we were to start speeches & we had to crowd into house. I managed to read what I had prepared & everyone was interested. My daughter spoke briefly and humourously about her relationship, including a joke he had recently told her. My granddaughter read her poem, then piper arrived & sky cleared so we all went out onto front lawn & he played tunes I had asked for as requested by Ian & more. At this time drinks were passed around, whiskey or Bailey's. Then had tree planting, scattered some ashes which my daughter had transferred from urn to small vase, more spontaneous short speeches and poems on lawn from friends. Just right. About to listen to my brother and nephew play when another friend arrived unexpectedly with his bullock team to show Ian, not knowing he had died. Lot of people trouped up to see team & enjoy the unintended climax to the celebration. Everything was personal to him.
People commented that they would like the same sort of celebration for themselves. My neighbour asked me approx what it had cost as he and his wife want same sort of thing. They have already told their daughter. Ended the day winding down with my family, having scrambled egg & toast & music. In chemist the girl said "Keep your chin up". It is all so hard to bear that Ian is gone forever. Much harder than I expected. I thought I was fairly well prepared but I was not. The others took some of Ian's ashes to sprinkle around church he had renovated at the museum.
Wed: I put in some corn seeds & scattered quite lot of ashes around vegie garden which greatly upset me. I wish I could get all this out of my system but I know it will take a long time. Our Scottish friend said he was happy to take some ashes to Scotland when he goes on business & will try to get them to Ian's village. I put some ashes in a tablet container and wrapped it in a tartan handkerchief. The scattering happened with help from some of Ian's school friends.
I would have liked to talk to someone about arriving at the hospital & the shock of finding out he had already died. I was confident he would be around, probably getting weaker but still lucid for a few more weeks or at least days. I wanted to know why he had died, why he had stopped breathing. I found out later that Morphine dulls pain, induces sleep, can stop breathing so he may have lived a little longer if he had not needed Morphine. I was glad he had died peacefully & was not aware of my distress, had never needed someone to "wipe his bottom" which he often mentioned as the ultimate indignity, & had never gone unkempt & unshaven. I am glad it happened as it did but that does not reduce my loss of a man with whom I shared 25 years of life with complete trust.
Copyright © Australian Museum, 2009