What is Death?

Fearing Death
by Ann Young, Sydney
Teacher, Aged 60

When I was a little girl, maybe 4 years old, I would ask my father "What is dying?" He would answer "Oh, It's nothing to worry about. It's just like going to sleep."

I realized when I was 20 that my father's answer was the cause of my continuing difficulty to fall asleep. By defining sleep as totally distinct from death, I cured my problem.

The idea of my own death continued to terrify me and I was unable to internalize the equilibrium of those around me who were so rational and who campaigned for voluntary euthanasia. Whilst I supported their right to choose when they die, I have always felt that my life was so precious to me that I would never choose to die. I believed that even experiencing pain was better than not experiencing, though being a vegetable would mean that I was already dead. I allowed myself to be terrified of death since it is as natural as a gazelle fleeing a lion.

Now I am 60 and I find equinimity developing. The last few years have been very happy ones and I feel I have lived all the best experiences that life could offer anyone. I have come to see that we take turns in playing the game of life and when you've had your turn no matter how much you enjoyed playing, you must bow out gracefully and leave the field to new players.

At my funeral I would like my children to understand that I played the game and I won. It was a marathon and I made it. I feel victorious and happy. I would love to stay and watch them play but I can't. They must play for their own delight.

Perhaps they will miss me like I miss my father and my grandfather. (My mother still lives.) Probably I will get Alseimer's like my mother has and like her mother before her. Then everyone will understand that my brain has worn out and it is time for me to go.

I stopped fearing death when I realised I had been dead much longer than I had been alive and that dying was no scarier than being born. I hope I can die with the same dignity as my father did.

This ancient Epicurean epitaph sums up well our Humanist belief:

I was not - I have been - I am not - I do not mind.

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